Tuesday

7 FAVORITE RELIGIOUS RATIONALIZATIONS

1) GOD WOULD NEVER THROW AT ME ANYTHING I COULDN'T HANDLE

Well, what about a blood clot that strikes in your sleep, cutting off all oxygen to your brain, leaving you a virtual vegetable for a few months before you finally waste away from a raging pneumonia? Did god throw you a high hard one that somewhat got away from him?

2) SOMEWHERE UP THERE, MOM IS LOOKING DOWN ON US

How do you know? Did she send an e-mail? Text you? Somehow upload shots of herself in angel's attire and lyre on O-photo? Face it, pal, when your sweet little mommy plowed drunkely into the old oak on your front lawn in the flimsy little Kia, the only car she could afford after your father took off with his 19 year old secretary, it left her mutilated body dead beyond doubt with precious little energy to ascend to heaven. Besides, even in death she was still drunk. Heaven doesn't go for drunks.

3) MY BOSS IS A JEWISH CARPENTER

You show me a Jew who's good with a hammer and nails, saw, sander, awl and adze, and I'll show you a white Russian trying to sneak out of the Motherland in yarmulke and prayer shawl. No, your boss more likely is a tough, demanding Italian whose about a hair's breath away from firing you because you have the attention span of gnat and the carpentry skills of a man with parkinson's.

4) GOD OPERATES IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS

Totally agree with this one -- he lets guys like george bush live in big houses with sharp cars, full security, lots of money, while in Darfur poor defenseless people, thousands of children among them, are left to die of starvation, machete attacks, cholera, AIDS. This is some cool cat, this God. Dude with a lot of compassion.

5) THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH.

Yeah, but only after the strong have stripped-mined her clean of gold, platinum, uranium, steel, aluminum, and anything else they needed to set up their towering pleasure palaces on Venus. Not to mention that the strong have already made off with the only space ships that can make it all the way to Venus where they've set up a life style so decadent, so genuinely sexually stimulating and versatile, that the meek wouldn't have a clue how to fit in had they actually been able to find their way there. It's kind of like saying, One day the meek shall inherit Detroit.

6) GOD LOVES YOU.

He do? Sure has a funny way of showing it. I don't test well -- never get in the high 70s, much less the 80s, and the 90s are simply out of the question. I have a weak chin and thinning hair. I know beauty is supposed to be only skin deep; but, still, the only girls I get to fuck are ones I have to pay for, and they lay back, smoking, talking to the girls on the other beds while I'm eeking out my scared, hurried orgasm. And these girls? They have so little beauty I actually find jerking off way more stimulating. At least this way I can fantasize a beautiful girl. And if he loves me so much, how come I have really bad asthma, poor self-esteem, a grating, strident voice that drives away the few friends I have, the body odor of a goat, and spend just about every week-end night alone at my parents house giving serious thought to killing myself. The only time I ever felt even a smidgeon of god's love is when my Dad shamed me into throwing a ten onto the collection plate. Made me wonder: is god's love actually for sale??

7) GOD IS EVIDENT EVERYWHERE WE LOOK

Right, like the homeless lady sleeping on the church steps in her own urine in 24 degree temperature, wrapped in little more than a blanket, possibly frozen dead by morning. Or the Senegalese immigrant hawking watches on Madison Avenue, perhaps selling one a day at 25 bucks, living in a rooming house with a dozen compatriots per room, sending precious little money back to wife and children in Senegal, with no money here to live beyond a subsistence level, no money if he gets sick, no money if he can't work because he has such a high temperature he can't see straight. Sure, we can see god everywhere, in the sick, the disturbed, the crippled, the ostracized, the aging, the dying -- man, god's all over the place.

1 Comments:

At 12:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now this was good...nice.

 

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