Sunday

EXCUSES, EXCUSES!

THE REASON I'M LATE FOR WORK IS:

My alarm clock didn't go off. I volunteer at a soup kitchen every Thursday morning. The subway's are fucked up. I didn't get home from the office last night until 3 a.m. I was having breakfast with the client. Stuck in the elevator. Mugged on the way here. Had a seizure.

LOST MY HARD ON IS:

I drank too much wine with dinner. You're almost too beautiful. I'm worried about the economy. Don't think we know each other well enough yet. It gets so big I'm afraid of hurting you.

MADE A LOAD IN MY PANTS IS:

Thought I was only farting.

AM A RAGING PIMPLY BITCH:

About to get my period. Had a lousy night's sleep. Am tired of being the only one who does the dishes around here. Don't enjoy your constant attempts at anal intercourse. Find it insulting to constantly be compared to the sluts on your favorite porno sites. Resent being railroaded into performing 69 with my cousin Rachel.

WENT TO WEST WYOMING TECHNICAL IS:

I don't test well. Wanted a small school. They're the only ones to offer a course in stalagmite sculpture. Didn't apply myself in high school. Heard it was a great place to meet women. Love wide open spaces. Can't stand the east coast liberal media elite.

HAVEN'T PROGRESSED FURTHER IN MY CAREER:

I''m just too damn nice. Enjoy being part of a team. Give my best ideas away to others. Have so many outside interests. Lousy at company politics. Just not interested in being chairman. Like to stop and smell the roses. Refuse to kiss ass.

DRIVE A 14 YEAR OLD KIA:

I for one care about the environment. Just want a car that gets me from here to there. Easy to find parking spaces. Don't give a shit if it gets broken into. Get tons of left-wing girls who hate investment banker types in their bmws. Just not a materialist.

WEAR LIFTS IN MY SHOES:

They're not lifts, fuck face, they're orthotics, and if I didn't wear them I'd have to get an operation on my bunion and wouldn't be able to walk for six weeks which would mean I'd put on weight again and when you're 5' 2" even if it's only 8 or 9 pounds, it makes you look short and squat.

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