Wednesday

HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A LOSER

YOU TELL PEOPLE YOU DON'T HAVE A JEALOUS BONE IN YOUR BODY

YOU'VE CONVINCED YOURSELF SIZE DOESN'T MATTER

YOUR FAVORITE PHRASE IS, IT'S ALL GOOD

YOU FIND YOURSELF ROOTING PASSIONATELY FOR THE METS AND JETS, EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW THAT EACH TEAM WILL SPIRAL INTO A LATE-SEASON COLLAPSE

YOU SAY YOU NEVER TAKE IT PERSONALLY, BUT YOUR FEELINGS GET HURT 100 TIMES A DAY

YOU EXPERIENCE PREMATURE EJACULATION EVERY TIME YOU'RE WITH A WOMAN -- WHICH IS ABOUT TWICE A YEAR

TO AVOID PREMATURE EJACULATION, YOU MASTURBATE AN HOUR BEFORE INTERCOURSE, THEN CAN'T GET A HARD ON

WHEN YOU FINALLY DO GET A HARD ON, YOU CAN'T REACH ORGASM

YOU FINALLY REACH ORGASM, BUT ONLY BY PICTURING DEREK JETER IN NOTHING BUT CLEATS

1 Comments:

At 6:49 AM, Blogger McDozer said...

How about some "How to tell if you're a winner" input?

You know you're a winner when...

...you don't have time to answer your e-mails.

...your psycho-analyst has become a millionaire, thanks to you.

...you can ruin a family's life by their kid scratching your car (because they couldn't possibly pay the repair in their lifetime).

... your vacations are the most stress-filled time of the year.

…you receive the Nobel Peace Prize while (officially) waging war in 3 countries and your country sells two thirds of all weapons being sold worldwide.

…no matter what you tell folks, they’ll believe it, just because you said it.

…you’re being stalked and haunted day and night by journalists and paparazzi, hoping they’ll catch you doing something dirty.

…folks can’t watch your videos in many countries of the world because it is property of Sony.

…you earn millions by a single phone conversation with your stock broker (and lose billions by another winner’s phone conversation with his).

…every day of your life costs more than most people will earn in their life-times.

…you have tons of friends, none of which sincerely like you.

…you can utter whichever atrocity you like, and people will still smile and applaud, thinking you’re “gorgeous.”

…you sleep an average of five hours per night.

…your greatest nightmare is every good idea your competitor has.

…when everyone in the restaurant starts drooling at the sight of your new girl-friend.

…when the bill the waiter hands you exceeds the monthly wage you pay your housekeeper.

…when your children and relatives start fighting over their inheritance while you’re still in your forties.

…when you can afford to hire AC/DC for your birthday party, and at midnight they play your personal favorite “Highway to Hell.”

…you stumble across this list and call your lawyer to sue me for publicizing personal information.

 

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