Wednesday

HOW TO HAVE A THREESOME, DUDE

you go into bar and see two girls sitting together -- approach has to be light/casual. say something like, ‘hey guys what’s going on.’ not sure why, but they prefer to be called guys than girls....

okay, you’re less threatening because there’s two of them and only one of you – you’re not trying a pick up, just hanging out.

in the spirit of your unthreatening approach, you act very nice to them and talk to them as if they were your sisters – of course, you’re not hitting on them because there’s two of them and only one of you

you give them equal attention, even if one is far more attractive than the other

don’t give too much attention to unattractive girl cause then the attractive one will feel neglected, that you’re solely interested in her friend, and wander off

once you’ve established you’re a nice guy, you cordially offer to buy them a drink

cultivate an us against them spirit, make fun of people in the bar – he looks like a republican, she looks like a spoiled upper east side trust fund brat...

when you feel the time is right suggest a new bar, a cool place that’s under populated, off the beaten path, with a couch or conversation pit...

while walking to the new place offer your arm to each in a mock, chivalrous way -- you're making fun of earlier times, but still you're really and truly giving them your arm -- they will like it -- it will make them feel taken care of

keep it light, keep it funny, keep it playful, you’re not even close to seducing them

parcel information out to let them know you’re not a wierdo, you went to penn state, you work for google, you play the guitar, but don’t be boastful....your sister works for an environmental organization, just letting them know you have siblings is good...

how come you happened to be alone?....you’re staying at a friends apartment, he’s out of town on business, you yourself are from out of town – or maybe you’re staying with relatives who are away, an uncle’s place, a cousin’s…it makes it mischievous, exploring someone’s place that isn’t their own

optional: if they seem willing, take them right back to your place, that is, your uncle’s place....if you’re unsure, stay with your original plan to hit another bar

once inside, more drinks – perhaps you know a good chardonnay, makes you seem worldly, knowledgeable -- take funny pictures of the three of you with cell phone, show them the pictures -- admire the pretty one's smile, the less pretty one's beautiful eyes...

make a little physical contact, holding their elbows, arms around them, squeezing their leg, but not too overt

nothing heavy, everything light

no seriousness, if you get serious or heavy, they have to confront their own doubt about the situation...keep buying drinks but monitor for passing out

only smoke weed if they’re weed smokers, if they’re not they could freak out

invite them back to your uncle’s place to make macaroni and cheese, to watch shrek, pop popcorn, something fun, innocent – when you get there, offer them herbal tee, drink some yourself – makes you seem gentler, less threatening

sit on couch, playing video games, if you have a guitar and can play a little, get them singing -- singing makes girls feel festive and lovely and romantic -- also, your singing makes the feel you're a decent and cultivated man, even if you're really a gutter dog

foot massage of less attractive one, put her legs on your lap

then give the more attractive one foot massage

lean over and kiss less attractive one, she’ll be more horny and needy and she’ll really want to kiss you -- kiss for 15 to 30 seconds

then immediately kiss more attractive one....she’ll be more reluctant, but she’ll most likely kiss you because she won’t want to ruin the fun good times for her less attractive friend

remember as you raise stakes, and go back to the less attractive one for deeper stuff, keep a hand on the more attractive one...hold her hand....

if they say i don’t know if this is a good idea, you reply with humor and real enthusiasm it’s a great idea

be funny, my uncle would be proud of us, happy to know his favorite nephew is putting his place to good use

if they’re bringing a lot of momentum/enthusiasm to the situation, now is the time to get up and very gently usher them to the bedroom – here in bed under covers you don’t have to worry so much about one of them drifting away.

alright, you’ve done it, you’re first menage a trois – congratulations. post-coitally continue to keep things light, friendly, tell them about a cool party you’re going to the next night, another great bar to grab a drink – and don’t forget to tell them what a wonderful time you’ve had, how incredibly sensuous they are – best ever.

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