Wednesday

APOLOGY -- PLUS SCREENPLAY ABOUT HOT MOTHERS

Listen, for those of you who have been waiting for the next installment of SEXUAL PARENTS, I'm not there yet. Writer's block. About two weeks to go. So to feed your ravenous appetite for new stuff, here's a screenplay I wrote when I first heard the term MILFS, back in 1988 -- long before "American Pie." So here it is -- MILFS -- the first couple of scenes, more to follow every few days. Now if somebody would give me the money to shoot the fucking thing, well, then I would.


INT. SCHOOLBUS - DAY
Four FRESHMAN HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS, all boys, sit huddled at the very rear of the bus. DAVEY ROBBINS, the smallest and youngest-looking, is relating some kind of story.
DAVEY
(puffing on a Camel)
So I'm mowing her lawn, see, and it's hot as hell, so I, like, take off my shirt -- on account of it's being so hot and all. So I finish the back and I'm coming around to the front...
DISSOLVE TO...
EXT. SUBURBAN LAWN - DAY
SCENE IS IN HAZY SEPIA.
Davey, shirt off, pushes lawnmower toward front lawn. FLORENCE PORIS, a dark-haired, good-looking woman of about 40, is trimming a shrub. She wears track shorts and a spandex tube top.
DAVEY (V.O.)
...and all of a sudden I notice she's out there. I don't want to sound like I'm braggin'or nothin', but I feel her eyes on me, kind of checkin' me out.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOLBUS - DAY
ON boys in back of bus.

ANDY
(chubbiest and slowest looking)
Who?
JEFF
Mrs. Poris, you idiot. The lady who's lawn he's cutting.
DAVEY
So I don't say nothing, you understand, I just keep glancing at her ass and stuff out of the corner of my eye. And she keeps on working away, like I'm not really there...
DISSOLVE TO...
EXT. SUBURBAN LAWN - DAY
CONT. SEPIA. Mrs. Poris is now trimming her flower beds.
DAVEY (V.O.)
...bending so far over so you can actually see trim right up her shorts -- and I'm thinking, is she doing this to give me a hard on?
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOLBUS - DAY
DAVEY
So I finish the lawn, put away the mower, and I come back out front to get paid --
BUSDRIVER (O.S.)
Put that cigaret out, Davey Robbins.
DAVEY
Sure thing, Mrs. Rabinowitz.
He takes a long puff of his cigaret.
DAVEY (cont’d)
So I'm standing there with my hand out and she's reaching into the pockets of these little pink shorts of hers...
DISSOLVE TO...
EXT. SUBURBAN LAWN - DAY
CONT. SEPIA. Mrs. Poris is reaching into her pocket.
FLORENCE PORIS
Damn, must have left my money in the house. Come in and have a glass of lemonade while I look for my purse?
Davey follows Mrs. Poris into house.
DAVEY (V.O.)
So we go in through the backdoor into the kitchen and she looks around all innocent like and says...
FLORENCE PORIS
Oh, I must have left it in the bedroom. It was so hot last night.
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
HAZY SEPIA. Davey follows Mrs. Poris into bedroom. The bed is unmade.
DAVEY (V.O.)
...and wouldn't you know -- there's the pitcher of lemonade sitting on the table right next to her bed.
FLORENCE PORIS
Davey, pour yourself a glass while I try to remember where I left that goddamn purse.
CAMERA PANS rumpled sheets, black nightie, pair of panties. Davey looks around transfixed, sipping his lemonade.
A moment later, Mrs. Poris reappears holding out a twenty dollar bill. She is stark naked.
FLORENCE PORIS (cont'd)
It's twenty, right?
Davey's jaw has dropped.
FLORENCE PORIS (cont'd)
It's so hot, I just had to take off my clothes.
INT. SCHOOLBUS - DAY
DAVEY
So she's standing there, not a stitch on, and I'm looking her up and down, she's got these really delicious looking tits and I'm thinking, God, how do I get things started here?
BUSDRIVER (O.S.)
Davey, I said put that cigaret out.
DAVEY
One more puff, Mrs. R.
Davey takes a long puff, flicks his cigaret out the window, then exhales slowly and expertly as he resumes his narrative.
DAVEY (cont’d)
Well, you know, I'm staring at her bush, and all of a sudden I notice, it's got a piece of fluff on it...like, you know, that stuff you get in the dryer.
JEFF
Lint.
DAVEY
Yeah, lint. So I say, "Gee, Mrs. Poris, you got a piece of fluff on your pussy. Would you like me to lick it off for you?" And she looks down and sees it and says...
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
HAZY SEPIA. CU Mrs. Poris' lips.
FLORENCE PORIS
Yeah, that'd be nice, Davey.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOLBUS - DAY
DAVEY
And you know that's how it all begins.
ANDY
You had sex with Mrs. Poris?!?!!
JEFF
No, you idiot. It's a fantasy. He jerks off over it.
JOSH
Mrs. Poris, man.
JEFF
What a milf.
CREDIT SEQUENCE:
EXT. MONTECITO VILLAGE - DAY
SFX. "MOTHER AND WIFE" BY THE JOLLY BOYS.
JOLLY BOYS
(singing)
Well, if your mother and your wife were drowning, I want to know which one you would be saving?
A shiny red Mazda Miata -- top down -- sweeps to a stop in front of Montecito Village Pharmacy. Out steps VANESSA DUKES, blond, brash, fortyish.
As she enters pharmacy, Josh (one of the boys from in back of the bus) makes an about face and follows her back in.
DISSOLVE TO...
MONTAGE OF SCENES OF THE MOTHERS OF MONTECITO
Montecito is a rich little town 85 miles north of LA. Soon as the kids head off for school, their mothers emerge to jog, power-walk, swim.
They are exceptionally well-preserved women between the ages of 35 and 50 and spend much of the day working out with personal trainers, wacking tennis balls, being massaged, manicured, pedicured.
EXT. POSH BACKYARD SWIMMING POOL - DAY
SFX. "MOTHER AND WIFE"
TWO MOMS in skimpy bikinis watch their young children splash about. Suddenly, THE FRAME becomes two distinct circles.
CUT TO:
INT. TEENAGE BOY'S BEDROOM - DAY
CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL Davey and Jeff (boys from in back of bus) passing binoculars as they study the sunbathers next door adjust their tops, put suntan oil on their thighs.
JOLLY BOYS
(singing)
As for me I'll be holding onto my mother, for I can always get another wife but I can never get another mother in my life.
END CREDIT SEQUENCE.
EXT. UNIV. OF CALIF., SANTA BARBARA - DAY
PAN facades of fraternity row -- hundreds of tangled bicycles, ripped couches on front lawns, dented kegs, mounds of Bud cans, stacks of Rolling Rock bottles, broken guitars, and a zillion dead cigarets.
Signs on shredded sheets hang from second floor windows reading, 'Beat State', 'Date Rape Sucks', 'Greeks Love You Know What'.
RICKY (O.S.)
You'll pledge my house, Phi Psi. Cool guys, almost all jocks. The parties are outrageous.
CUT TO TOMMY BRIGHAM and RICKY ALCOTT surveying frat houses. Ricky is a tall, fair-skinned African American, Tommy, a considerably shorter young man with dark hair and a handsome, intelligent face.
RICKY
'S beautiful, man, isn't it?
TOMMY
Yeah.
EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN - DAY
WE SEE Arco oil rigs in the distance, a few lone surfers waiting for waves.
RICKY (O.S.)
Surf's unbelievable here. You get a few hours between classes, you hit the beach.
EXT. QUAD - DAY
Hundreds of bicyclists stream by, lots of them girls.
RICKY (V.O.)
The girls are unbelievable. You play football, you fuck anyone you want.
EXT. QUIGLEY FIELD - DAY
UCSB squad is going through a light workout. Ricky introduces Tommy to JOE BRODERICK, the quarterback coach.
RICKY
Yo, Coach Broderick, say hello to my little brother from SB High.
BRODERICK
Oh, yeah, Alvin Crane told me about you. (looking him over) You're a quarterback, huh?
RICKY
Started every game since he was a sophomore.
BRODERICK
Coach Crane says you guys're having a pretty good year.
TOMMY
If we beat Goleta tomorrow, we'll be ten and 0.
BRODERICK
Good luck. Goleta's a powerhouse.
TOMMY
We'll give 'em a game.
RICKY
Go ahead, ask him, Tommy.
TOMMY
Well, what I was curious about, Coach, is what's the quarterback situation around here?
BRODERICK
You wouldn't be coming out for QB, would you?
TOMMY
Well, yeah, actually, I would.
BRODERICK
You gotta be realistic, son. What are you, about five nine?
TOMMY
Five seven and a half.
BRODERICK
(turning to field)
Klein, Hartley, Fialkowski, get over here!
Three classic California QBs come trotting over. Fialkowski, the shortest, is six three.
BRODERICK
Richie is our backup and he's a junior. Hartley and Fialkowski are battling it out for third-string. They're sophomores. And Frankie Recchio out of Palo Alto High -- I'm sure you've heard of him -- has just signed a letter of intent. He's six six and throws the ball 75 yards. That's the current quarterback situation here at UCSB.
RICKY
Tommy can throw 75 yards.
BRODERICK
Can you now? (underhanding Tommy a football) You want to chuck a couple?
TOMMY
Sorry, not with the Goleta game this close. Coach'd kill me.
RICKY
Tommy wins ballgames, Coach. He'd find a way to win if he was four seven.
BRODERICK
Hey, we never stop anyone from trying out.
EXT. SANTA BARBARA HIGH - DAY
Davey Robbins, Josh, Jeff and Andy file off bus. Hundreds of kids stand about in cliques, shooting the breeze.
Everyone's in shorts, cut offs, tee shirts, tank tops. It doesn't look that much different from UCSB.
Davey and his friends stand near a group of older guys -- most of them, judging from their overdeveloped necks, football players.
DAVEY
That's the guy whose mother's lawn I cut.
JEFF
Why doesn't he mow his own fuckin' lawn?
DAVEY
Football practice. (shouting) Hey, Mark, kill Goleta.
MARK PORIS, the team's offensive tackle, is a large, almost bulky boy, with a handsome semitic face and dark curly hair. He looks over at Davey contemptuously.
MARK
Get the fuck outta here. (to friends) Fuckin' freshman these days, think they can talk to anybody.
Mark's group consists of:
ALBERT CHOO, defensive tackle, an uncharacteristically large, broad-chested Chinese-American;
JOSE CARDOZO, the center, a massive Mexican-American;
ROGER PACINI, a prissy, sharp-faced boy in glasses, manager of the team;
and BILLY DUKES (wide receiver) and DANNY HILL (running back). Billy and Danny make a striking pair, both tall and rangy -- one fair and blond, the other African-American. They have the superior air of kids who have grown up rich, good-looking, and smart.
ALBERT
Hey, check it out.
The guys watch an exceptionally elegant Asian woman helping her daughter lift a science project out of the trunk of their Mercedes S500 sedan.
MARK
Albert, quick, say something to her.
ALBERT
She's fuckin' Korean, man.
ROGER
Albert's of the Chinese persuasion.
BILLY
(fake Asian accent)
Bok choy, me your fucky/sucky boy.
ROGER
You guys are so urbane.
The Asian woman and her daughter are now marching toward the entrance of SB High, unaware they have attracted a coterie.
SFX. WARNING BELL GOES OFF.
The Korean woman and her daughter (an 85 pound freshman with glasses and braces) pick up speed, as does the congregation of boys following them. The Korean woman says something to her daughter in Korean. The SUBTITLE reads: I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE THIS POPULAR.
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
Freshman English. MS. JANARONE, an attractive 28 year old in rimless glasses, stands at the front of the class reading from "OEDIPUS REX".
MS. JANARONE
Oedipus says, 'Must I not fear my mother's bed?' And Jocasta reassures him, 'Have no fear of sleeping with your mother.'
Davey and Jeff (the freshman boys from in back of the schoolbus) exchange sniggering glances.
MS. JANARONE (cont’d)
'How many men, in dreams, have lain with their mothers! No reasonable man is troubled by such things.' Davey what do you think? Would you be troubled by a dream like that?
DAVEY
I dreamt I slept with Becky Poris' mother.
The class laughs. Becky turns and stares at Davey hostilely.
MS. JANARONE
That wasn't exactly the question. The point Sophocles was making is that it's fairly commonplace for males to dream about sleeping with their own mothers, and perhaps they shouldn't be overly concerned about it. Would you agree, Jeff Arbolini?
JEFF
Gross. My mother has all this celulite stuff on her inner thighs, and you know she doesn't, like, shave down there in the winter --
MS. JANARONE
Yes, thank you, Jeff.
Ms. Janarone raises her eyes heavenward. It's hopeless.
INT. HALLWAY - SB HIGH
CUs of posters being put up on bulletin boards and hallway walls. Headline reads TUX NIGHT!
INT. BOYS ROOM - DAY
MEDIUM SHOT from behind Roger Pacini and a GREASER, peeing at adjacent urinals. Roger sneaks a glance over at the greaser's crotch.
GREASER
What the fuck you lookin' at, Pacini?
ROGER
Nothing much to look at really.
The greaser wheels from the urinal and begins peeing on Roger's shoes and cuffs.
GREASER
Get a good look, faggot.
One of the stalls opens, and out steps Jose buckling his belt.
JOSE
Hey! Leave 'em alone, fuckhead.
Seeing Jose, the greaser starts to back for the door.
GREASER
I was just kiddin' around.
JOSE
Where you goin', man?
He grabs the boy and, as deftly as if he were lifting a small sack of potatoes, sticks his head in the urinal. Roger comes over and flushes it.
GREASER
Stop! Hey, come on, man, the guy was lookin' at my dick.
Roger keeps on flushing and flushing.
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
CAMERA FOLLOWS Tommy, his lunch tray held in front of him, across entire cafeteria. There is pandemonium everywhere, foodfights, scuffles, animated conversations, penny football on the tables.
Cute girls, funny-looking ones, nerds, everyone says hello to Tommy. He greets them all.
Tommy sits down with Billy, Albert, Mark, Jose, Roger and Danny. The freshman boys sit a few seats away.
TOMMY
(to Billy)
Congratulations. I heard you and Danny are doing Tux Night.
BILLY
Oh, man, I had the worst dream about that.
MARK
You dreamt you porked Mrs. Turcotte?
CAMERA FINDS lunch room MONITOR across cafeteria, Mrs. Turcotte is a heavy woman with a hairy mole on her chin.
BILLY
It was really weird. I dreamt that my mother was my date.
ROGER
Did you have sexual intercourse with her?
BILLY
I was so depressed. You guys were all going out afterwards to Ruby's with these hot girls, and I had to go home with my mother.
DANNY
I'd love to fuck your mother, man.
BILLY
It was so realistic. She came over to my side of the bed in this ugly maroon dress and asked me to unzip her. (He shudders.) I hate maroon.
MARK
How was UC?
TOMMY
A disaster. The coach suggested I try out for the cheerleading squad.
JOSE
(concerned)
You gotta eat, man. You can still grow.
ROGER
(singing)
Sittin' by the dock with Jose...
JOSE
Shut the fuck up, man.
TOMMY
I stopped growing when I was a sophomore, Jose.
DANNY
That coach is an asshole. You can win anywhere, Tommy.
TOMMY
The thing is, I didn't even like the place. It's like...I don't know...it's like this place.
BILLY
That's 'cause they didn't like you, Brigham.
TOMMY
Fuck you, Dukes.
DAVEY
(shouting up table)
Hey, Dukes, I heard you and Danny are em-ceeing Tux Night?
Billy casts a withering glance at the freshman boys.
DANNY
(to Davey)
Who the fuck are you, twit?
MARK
I'm tellin' you, fuckin' freshman think they can address anybody this year.
TOMMY
Believe it or not, he's gonna be some linebacker when he's a senior.
MARK
That pipsqueak?
TOMMY
You watch. He's a fuckin' animal.
DAVEY
(gesturing to his chubby friend)
Wait till you see Andy's mother, man. Tits out to here.
JOSE
Freshman can be in Tux Night?
MARK
Only since 1982, Jose.
ROGER
(singing)
No one knows what it's like to be Jose...
ALBERT
(to Andy)
You bringing your mother to Tux Night?
Andy nods.
DANNY
Well, make sure she wears something that shows off her tits. Understand?
ANDY
(proudly)
She and my father do it in the Jacuzzi when they think no one's looking.
ROGER
You must be very pleased for them.
MARK
What I want to know, Dukes, is did you bring your mother to orgasm?
BILLY
I can't imagine she's ever had one -- not with my father, anyway.
ALBERT
Man, picture Jose's mother having an orgasm. It'd be like a fuckin' earthquake.
Albert drapes himself over the back of his chair, thrusting his pelvis forward, and pretending to spasm mightily.
ALBERT (cont’d)
Aaaaaaaarrrrgghhhhhhhh!
DANNY
Be like fuckin' Moby Dick, man.
ROGER
More like Moby Cunt.
The young guys crack up. They are in seventh heaven just being around the older guys.
ANDY
What's an organism?

(Like I said, gonna feed you a few new scenes every few days.)

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