Tuesday

rationalization #3: "I WAS DRUNK!"

Snort. giggle. guffaw. you self-destructive piece of shit. "honey, something terrible happened at the office xmas party. i puked on the boss' wife's new prada suit, but it wasn't my fault -- some dickbrain spiked the punch with like four extra quarts of kettle one, and you know how when you mix it with juice you can hardly taste the vodka at all....so, like, i had a couple of glasses, no more than four, because at lunchtime i had worked out at the gym, you know, trying to stay trim and healthy for you and the kids, so when i finally got down to the party, planning to stay only about 15 minutes so i could get home to you and the kids, i was, like, thirsty as hell and before i knew it i knocked down about half a dozen glasses -- no more than that. and then there was the boss' wife standing all by herself as the party was raging on around her and i felt so sorry for her that i went over and started talking to her....actually, she's a bit of a slut if you ask me because she wasn't wearing either a blouse or a bra under this really skimpy little prada black jacket and her tits were plumped up like, like, um, popovers. well, we started talking and then the band arrived and she was looking at me, like, are you going to ask me to dance or what, so we started dancing to a fast song and then all of a sudden the band segued into one of those golden oldie slow songs and she plastered herself to me like a poster on a wall...well, one of the waiters came by with a tray of punch and ginny, that's the boss' wife's name....ginny had a couple of glasses and not wanting her to feel like an alchy or something, drinking alone, i had a couple more glasses, and then the band started playing this oldie -- in the still of the night -- and me and ginny started dancing again, only i was so dizzy from all the punch that i could hardly stand up -- i tell you, if i could find the asshole that spiked the punch i'd ream him a new asshole -- anyway, i let my head sag against ginny's bosoms, which were all soft and malleable and what with the dancing and the breasts swaying i started getting a little seasick, well, actually, a lot seasick, and all of a sudden i felt a gurgle in the back of my throat and before i could do anything about it i projectile vomited right bedtween the boss' wife's two tits -- immediately, i started apologizing like crazy, but it didn't seem to have much effect because the next thing i knew i was being run out of the place by the seat of my pants and the scruff of my neck by two big guys in human resources. they told me don't ever set foot back in the building, and then they turned me over to some cops and accused me of disturbing the peace. so i'm sitting here in the jail on west 54th street and you need to come and bail me out....i know you're going to be kind of pissed, honey, but i swear none of this would have ever happend if i hadn't gotten drunk. i'm missing you and the kids like crazy and just the thought of seeing your kind and welcoming smile makes me feel warm all over. i realize you've been busy with the kids and school these past several weeks, but i know you're going to show up and surprise me any minute now. your husband bruce.

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