Monday

rationale: THE GREAT THING ABOUT BEING A STAY AT HOME DAD IS SPENDING QUALITY TIME WITH YOUR KID.

truth:

I met my wife in an ad agency. I was a copywriter, she was a suit. I made 45 grand a year, she made 120. She wasn’t exactly what I had in mind from a looks stand point, but I did like being taken out to dinner all the time. After a few months of living together, she said, “Look, either we get married or you’re going to have to move out.” Well, I’d already given up my little dump of a studio, and the thought of moving out of her de luxe two bedroom on the 20th floor overlooking the park was just too exhausting. So I said, “Sure. Let’s get married.”

One month later she announced she was pregnant. “Look,” she said, “Since I make more than you, why don’t you stay home with the kid and I’ll keep working.” Well, I didn’t exactly like the idea of being stuck home with a baby all day, but the thought of all three of us trying to get by on my meager salary was just too depressing for words.

So here I am, taking care of a one year old that shits its pants about every two hours. There’s nothing on the fucking TV but soaps and Dr. Phil. The kid cries all day long and those warm fuzzy feelings you’re supposed to develop for a baby are nowhere in sight. I have a feeling that my wife’s been fucking her boss, since I found her diaphragm in her handbag the other day, but she’s got such a temper I’m afraid to confront her. So I just sit here stewing, watching the kid and thinking about going out the window one of these days. I figure it’ll be over quickly, since, like I mentioned, we’re up here on the 20th floor. I’m thinking maybe I can time things to land on the wife’s head as she’s getting out of her fucking boyfriend’s Lexus.

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