Thursday

RATIONALE #17: "I'M RETAINING A LOT OF WATER."

Listen, you fat little porker, you're eating out of control these days, addicted to chips, doughnuts, candy, frapa-fucking-chinos, fried chicken, ice cream, and anything else you can stuff into your eager, grasping puss. And if by water you mean vodka, beer, chardonnay, margaritas, frozen diaquiris, coke, pepsi, snapple, yeah, well okay, you are retaining a lot of liquids -- liquids full of sugar, alcohol, calories, and fat. So it's no mystery that cute little addition like back fat, neck roll, jowls, extra chins, spare tires, bulging thigh, and spreading ass are beginning to pop up all over your body. "Lumpy" is what they should call you. Instead, they wonder if you're dressing differently, wearing a new do, or bulking up at the gym. Oh, you're bulking up alright, but it's far more likelier at the deli than working out.

And to make matters worse all this bulking up is exasperated a thousand fold by not being able to take a good shit. The food goes in fast and furiously and then it just sits there -- glued to the walls of your intestines like fucking carbunkles. It's been a good four days since your last shit, and that was just a little stop gap action, yielding a few nasting things shaped like raisins than the big, well shaped baby submaries you extruded before you departed on this six month food binge.

So here you are, stuffed to the gills, revolted by your body packed with dry gluey shit that just won't seem to budge, and through it all you just want more to eat.

It's fucking sad, that's what it is. You're trying to fix a deep psychological hurt
with food, to fill a void in your life, and, in fact, it's the exact opposite of what you should be doing. FOOD WILL NOT GIVE YOU THE LONG TERM SOLACE AND SELF-CONFIDENCE YOU NEED TO FILL THE VOID IN YOUR LIFE. YOUR CAREER CAN -- MAYBE. GETTING SO CAUGHT UP IN WHAT YOU DO CAN CHANGE A PERSON'S LIFE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. MAKING SOLAR ENERGY MORE EFFICIENT, TEACHING GHETTO KIDS TO READ, ADD, AND WRITE CAN. WRITING AN EXTRORDINARY SCREENPLAY CAN.

IN SHORT TAKING REAL FORCEFUL ACTION CAN HELP YOU STOP THE BINGE EATING THAT YOU ARE USING TO MASK THE HURT IN YOU LIFE AND THAT ULTIMATELY DESTROYS YOUR PHYSICAL APPEAL, FURTHER CONTRIBUTING TO THE STEEP DECLINE IN YOUR PERSONAL APPEAL TO OTHERS AND YOUR CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF.

I, THE PESSIMISTIC E-MAN, WHO HAVE NO CONFIDENCE WHATSOEVER IN YOUR ABILITY TO STOP FUCKING UP YOUR LIFE, KNOW FULL WELL YOU WILL HAVE NO ABILITY TO KEEP FROM STUFFING YOUR MAW WITH CHEESE, ICE CREAM, PASTRY, BACON CHEESEBURGERS, AND RUM AND COKE....SO I CHUCKLE IN DESPAIR THE NEXT TIME YOU EXPLAIN TO ANYONE WHO IS POLITE ENOUGH TO LISTEN THAT YOU'RE BIG-BONED, HEAVILY-MUSCLED, HAVE A SLOW METABOLISM. I CHUCKLE BECAUSE YOU KNOW, AND I KNOW, AND THEY KNOW IT'S JUST A GREAT BIG LIE.

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