Friday

THE LIE: "MY WEDDING DAY WAS PERFECT."

TRUTH: Your wedding was fraught with so many tragic mini-disasters you were lucky you got through it. Your bridegroom's family never told you about Brian's retarded first cousin who shits his pants, at which point he cries out, no matter where he is, at the top of his lungs -- "Mommy, wipe me, wipe me, wipe me, Mommy." This, of course, happened twice, right while you were taking your vows. The guests, god bless 'em, tried their hardest not to break into loud guffaws, but it was just too damn funny. And so twice the priest had to begin the service all over again. For some reason you will never be able to understand your husband-to-be decided to have a buzz cut for the wedding, and he does not look good with a buzz cut. His ears stick out, his nose looks gigantic, and his forehead, usally shielded by a nice wave of hair, is lined and pock-marked. Not one person under 30 remarked to you that Brian looked hot, something that you were somehow counting on. Your relatives, no great shakes themselves, decided to cop an attitude on your very special day, deciding in a great collective moment that they were superior to Brian's family. Too southern Italian, too dark, too uneducated, too coarse, too loud, they whispered among themselves...and so chose every opportunity to ignore, avoid, and generally act pissy toward Brian's family. This, of course, did not sit well with the Morbellis. Coarse, they said, we'll show you coarse. And promptly broke into one of the more out-of-control food fights you have ever been party to. It might actually have been funny but one of the Morbellis fired a lamb chop at damn near warp speed into your cousin Eleanor's temple and knocked her cold. Eleanor's husband Bernie took offense and leapt on the man who threw the lambchop. The ensuing melee brought the Lyndhurst Police Department to the scene, and that was pretty much it for the day. Little happened in your honeymoon suite that night for Brian was furious with you for letting your family dis his...and you found his hideous buzz cut left you feeling not the least bit horny for him. It'll be a miracle if your marriage lasts 6 months. So don't fucking tell me it was a perfect day. Perfect nightmare is more like it.

1 Comments:

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