Saturday

LIE: "I GOT FIRED BECAUSE MY BOSS WAS JEALOUS OF ME."

TRUTH: THEY THREW YOU OUT BECAUSE YOU WERE HOPLESSLY INCOMPETENT.

It's amazing how often those who get shit-canned come up with the rationalization that it was because their boss was jealous of their superior skills. The truth is, most bosses these days are under such a huge workload and pressure to perform, they're fucking thrilled to find a competent worker, delighted even if they actually on rare occasions come across someone who is better than him or herself.

Now let's really get to the heart of the matter here, pal. You habitually came in late, a good hour and a half past starting time. And then once at the office, it wasn't like you immediately threw yourself at the task at hand. No, you had to have your three cups of coffee, your apple danish, read the sports page, jump on line, play a little frood -- all this, because you stayed out so late and drank so much last night that now the morning later you're simply too edgy and disoriented to begin your actual work.

Then before you know it, it's lunchtime. Ya-hoo. It's off to the corner burger joint which mercifully serves beer, and you down your favorite half pound of ground meat with melted roquefort on top along with several lashers of bacon, fried onion, french fries, half a bottle of ketchup, and two or three pints of beer. Needless to say, the job of digesting this massive amount of fat and grease falls to your poor abused stomach, which demands that your heart send it the lion's share of available blood, leaving the entire rest of your system deprived of oxygen, and thus sleepy and lethargic. There is absolutely no way man nor woman can get any work done under these conditions, and so it's close the door to your cubicle so that you can lie down in the little nook under your desk, where due to the extreme exhaustion and near drunkeness of your system you're actually able to nap for 45 minutes or so.

You wake, of course, feeling as if a team of hostile wrestlers had mauled you about the floor, but do manage to stagger to your feet. You look in the mirror and find a roadmap of peculiar sleep lines branded across your face, and your breath repulses even you.

No, it will do absolutely no good to hang around now -- the company wouldn't want you to. So it's back to the corner bar to have a few more pints of cold, bracing beer, and, miraculously, the whole process is set in motion to have a day tomorrow just like the one you had to day. What a miraculous cycle -- doing the same thing day after day, getting maybe 15 minutes of work done a day and being paid for it.
Yeah, maybe your boss was jealous of you after all. No wonder you got fired.

5 Comments:

At 10:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I see your point, all bosses are always OVER qualified to ever be jealous.

 
At 10:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What were you thinking when you wrote this article? Or were you thinking? There is a such thing as Jealousy...and Bosses are sometimes the most insecure people on the face of the earth. That's one reason they get into high positions. To feel the power they lack on the inside.

I guess that's why I got paid over 100 thousand dollars after it was proven that a boss was jealous!!

 
At 7:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's clear you don't understand at least one half of the population.

 
At 5:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My boss's boss told me my coworkers were envious of me. Another supervisor told me his subordinate was threatened by me. Not that either of them were telling me something I wasn't already aware of.

That you choose not to believe something because it soothes your ego doesn't make it any less a reality.

Your blog speaks to your desire to disbelieve and to get others to disbelieve. Are you a jealous person? Because I've noticed it's always the jealous folks who try to sell anyone who will listen that there is no such thing as jealousy. Always. So who are torturing to soothe your precious ego? My heart goes out to THAT person.

 
At 6:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. It's like an article written by some guy who sat at the bar listening to other people at the bar talk, and decided to write in the "real story" of some poor fat guy sitting next to him, who he overheard talking about being let go by his jealous dick boss. In this article, people who say they got fired by jealous bosses can only be fat, drunk, gross and incompetent men... what a sad, funny article. It sounds like the author has their own issues with jealousy. The world is not quite that black and white. Take a smart and competent, but ALSO attractive woman, who shows up early, eats lunch at her desk, and easily meets all her deadlines without issue. Now make her boss an older woman who feels threatened by her. Queen bee syndrome. So common. When that poor girl gets fired, it's because her boss is not about to lend a helping hand to any younger and more attractive woman who might threaten her power. No way.

 

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