Tuesday

TYPHOID MARY RATIONALIZATION

"I'M NO LONGER CONTAGIOUS."


Translation: I haven't the faintest idea whether I'm contagious or not because not only am I not a doctor, but I barely made it through high school and have never even gotten close to a college. I've been sneezing and coughing for five days now, and I wake up each morning feeling worse than I did the day before.

I should probably go to the doctor and have him put me on anti-biotics, but I've got a shitty job with no health insurance. And, of course, the pay is so measly that if I do go to the doctor I won't be able to afford cigarettes for the next five months or so.

So here I am, invited to a party for the first time this year, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stay home and miss it. I'm sneezing and hacking like crazy, and people seem to be avoiding me like the plague. I'm feeling lonely and isolated hanging out all by myself by the punch bowl. I make this tremendous sneeze that just about blows the top of my head off. The hostess is looking at me like I've got avian flu or something. I sniff back all the mucus in my nose, smile at her, and putting as much positive spin as I can on the situation, declare, "This is the fifth day, and the doctor says I'm no longer contagious." Right. Like she could possibly ever believe me.

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