Wednesday

MEDIOCRE HUSBAND RATIONALIZATION

I LOVE BEING MARRIED TO A SCHOOL TEACHER BECAUSE HE GETS SUMMERS OFF.

Translation: For some reason -- bad skin, terrible breath, low self-esteem -- I was unable to attract an alpha male and had to settle for a nerd so lacking in ambition that he's been perfectly satisfied being a third grade teacher. My sister, on the other hand, is married to a big-shot lawyer in one of New York City's top law firms.

I am consumed with envy over their car -- they drive the big Lexus sedan, we have trouble keeping up the payments on a Hundai -- their home -- they have a 6 bedroom tudor in Scarsdale, we rent a dilapidated garden apartment in Bergenfield -- so the only way I can make myself feel better is to brag about the fact that I'm able to spend much more time with my Ralph than she does with her Tony. The irony is this: I'd rather hang out with fucking Saddam Hussein than the bozo I'm married to.

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