I've already told you my wife dumped me for the architect who was designing our house. Cute. So now I've got somebody new. Emily. Nice ass, tits droop a little, wish she didn't have this particular mole on the left side of her face sprouting whiskers. But, hey, I'm 52, can't get back into publishing, sell suits on commission at Riverside Mall in Paramus, so what else can I expect. Penelpe Cruz? I doubt she'd even let me give her a rim job, which probably doesn't make sense when you consider that Laura Bush could be giving you a rim job and you'd have no idea who it was.

Anyway, old Emily went to fucking North Carolia to golf camp with a couple of girlfriends. and I could tell she was happy as hell to be getting away from me for a few days. That's the trouble with being me -- I pick up the tell tale "little" signs. Like Emily was humming to herself while she was packing, real happy like. She never does that. So I'm thinking, Gee, if I died, it might put her in a funk for a little while, but not for long, pal, not for a long. I mean this is a woman who likes to do things -- golf, girlfriends, trip to North Carolina, sight-seeing, dinners out, cooking, flowers. She fucking likes life, she's happy, and very little can get its way.

So I've made a solemn vow. I'm going to outlive this woman. I don't want her travelling to Angkor Wat or Borabordur or some place I have patently refused to visit with some new guy she'd pick up after I pre-decease her. No way. No sucking on this guy's dick then prancing around some sacred grounds in Cambodia while I'm rotting in Beth El Cemetary over in Paramus.

So I'm off to the doctor to have my bloodwork done and anything else he wants to do. I'm serious. He wants me on Lipator, I'm on Lipator. Emily, baby, you're in for the biggest battle of your life, sweetheart. Couldn't care less that your mother's alive and well at 92, while my mother dropped dead of senility at 76. This is war, sister. Let's see who's the last one standing.


At 9:35 PM, Blogger Kelly Sue said...

Assuming the relationship will last that long.

At 10:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually Laura Bush tosses an incredible salad.

At 1:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah... I have to agree with Kelly!

Sounds like Emily's humming is indicative of one thing; she's already bagged herself a lover.

At 12:10 AM, Anonymous Gary Gordon said...

Just keep playing on those shit eating municipal golf courses and smoking those garbage cigars by the bushels and you’ll probably die of either an aneurysm or oral cancer soon. Love your columns man.


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