This is always a tough day for me -- Victoria, my kid sister's birthday. I've got to call her up and wish her 50 more great years when in fact I'm so fucking jealous I can barely get the words out. She started this jeans business about twenty years ago embroidering flowers on the thigh and butt of low quality denim and marking 'em up about 500%. Got sales up to 18 million bucks a year, no big deal, and then sold 'em to this Italian fashion house for 87 million bucks. She and her husband have a house in Tuscany, Carmel, the Hamptons -- where else? -- and a 12 room apartment overlooking Central Park. They hang around with B and C list celebrities and think they're hot shit and never invite me to anything except Thanksgiving dinner. Sound like I'm whining? You bet. Whining rules. It's biological. Ever notice what your dog does everytime you leave. He whines, pal, your big masculine german shepherd whose testacles hang down half a foot. He whines like a woman, like a quivering little kid -- no shame, no trying to hide it. Reminds me of all those flat-topped marine types with the whining prohibited signs on the wall in back of their desk. Those dudes whine worse than a butt-fucked pig. So if you feel like whining, let it out. You'll live longer. It helps you avoid cancer and heart disease. All those other macho guys who love assault rifles and samurai swords and john wayne and that shit? They want to sit on their whining? Great. Let 'em. While they're eating their own entrails, you and me...we'll whine and mewl and snivel and live to 90. Back to my slut of a sister. The hard thing is pretending I'm all happy and thrilled about her birthday, keeping that upbeat tone in my voice when really I want nothing more than for her to die a premature death and leave me ten million bucks. I tell you, nothing's harder than pretending you're happy for those who make you sick with jealousy? What can you do about it? I don't know. Send me your ideas. I need help. Your friend, E-man, biggest loser of all.


At 6:06 PM, Anonymous big whiner said...

totally agree about THE JOY OF WHINING. there are some real advantages. my husband will give in to anything i ask just to shut me up. and the sheer pleasure of whining is something to enjoy whether it gets you anything or not. love you, E-man.

At 2:55 PM, Anonymous Darren said...

Everyday I come home from work and whine and bitch to my wife. I used to keep it all inside but then I got the ulcer. My wife doesn't mind cause she bitches as much as I do. When we're done bitching, we feel a lot better and my doctor's assured me I'm now at the peak of my health. My wife says, "Bitching's what language was invented for."


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