Monday

MALE LOSER AGE 18 - 34

Nick of Chelsea sends in the following loser rationalizations aimed at young male adults, and they're right on the mark:

do you check your email at least three times a day, as if the act of
checking it again will dislodge that girl's missing response from the
server?

do you listen to more than 10 minutes of WFAN per day? Do you call in
and wait on hold for 45 minutes only to have Mad Dog russo diconnect
you before you can stammer two poorly conceived sentences?

do you watch more than 10 minutes of internet porn per day?

when howard stern has a pornstar as a guest and you recognize her name
do you think that makes you "in the know"?

do you think "Happy Hour" is anything resembling that?

do you avoid attempting to enter clubs with velvet ropes because you
"hate bullshit attitude" -- nothing to do with the fact that they would
never let you in?

do you go to dive bars on saturday nights and play pool with
semi-homeless guys who like to shake hands every thirty seconds?

does listening to gangsta rap in the privacy of your car make you feel
like a bad ass? Do you sing along with snoop about bitches and hos,
then stammer in the presence of women?

when your cell phone rings and you don't know the number do you answer
it anyway, hoping it just could be a girl? and it's your needy friend
alfred?

do you swallow your rage only to suffer from asthma, hives, eczema?

10 Comments:

At 3:02 PM, Blogger aversion and revulsion said...

do you avoid attempting to enter clubs with velvet ropes because you
"hate bullshit attitude" -- nothing to do with the fact that they would
never let you in?


i have in fact, gotten in, in clubs that are like that, here in milwaukee i havent seen any that use velvet ropes, only big bouncers just inside the entrance. i do however, avoid all the trendy bars and clubs like the plauge. i mean, really whats the point of paying 4x the money for a shitty drink? plus the 10-20$ to get in the door? wtf?

oy enough ranting for now.

 
At 12:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

do you complain about the reliability and promptness of your weed delivery service, but consider the guy who eventually comes one of your most loyal friends

 
At 12:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you repeat your father's cliche wisdom at least twice a day:

"life's a bitch then you die"
"six and one half dozen to the other"

 
At 12:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

do you find yourself watching entire episodes of Antique Roadshow, dreaming of whether or not that rocker in grandma's basement is Arts and Crafts or American Craftsman?

 
At 12:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

do you lament the death of mom and pop coffee shops but find yourself at Starbucks twice a day ...
for a grande raspberry vanilla extra hot extra foamy latte ...
and they better make it extra hot dammit

 
At 2:58 PM, Anonymous Fergus said...

... 10 minutes of porn a day! that's horrible.

I need at least 30.

 
At 7:18 PM, Anonymous Lonely and Skittish said...

"Every time one of my friends succeeds, a little piece of me dies." And no, I'm not nearly clever enough to come up with that.

 
At 7:27 PM, Anonymous Never gets laid said...

I'm not a loser. I just find success very, very, very elusive.

 
At 3:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

frist of all, howard stern's a fucking looser. Second of all, just because he has millions of dollars dosen't make him any less of a loser. That's the thing about it. There's no upgrading, only worsening.

 
At 12:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

are all the bars and parties you go to filled with dudes? No girls in sight? Of course not. That's how you even found out about these things. They're gutter ball things. It's where shit lands that sucks and you are there too.

 

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