The Loser In Bed.

1) Secretly wonders if he has ever brought his wife – or any woman, for that matter – to orgasm.

2) Worries his breath is stale, his beard too rough, his feet too stinky.

3) As he rolls on top of his wife, is mortified the way the 37 pounds he’s packed on during their first 2 years of marriage spill over her sides.

4) Suspects, during those rare times when his wife seems genuinely excited, that she is thinking of his rich brother Frank.

5) Ejaculates prematurely.

6) To avoid premature ejaculation, masturbates half an hour before intercourse and then has great difficulty getting an erection.

7) Finally gets an erection and then is unable to achieve orgasm.

8) Finally reaches orgasm -- but only by calling up images of Derek Jeter.

9) Yearns for some genuine affection from his wife, who instantly rolls over and breaks into her characteristic window-rattling snore.

Still, the Loser tells himself, the best is yet to come. He and Queen Gwendolyn are only 32 years old. Everyone knows a woman doesn’t reach her sexual peak until she’s in her late 30s.

Listen, pal, friend, master of self-delusion, as you inevitably pack on even more weight, the sex is only going to get worse. Not a thing you can do about it.


At 9:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

He jumps in the shower immediately upon finishing.

At 4:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

one gets the feeling E-man you're talking about yourself

At 10:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

worries his woman's orgasmic moans will wake the neighbors

At 4:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

can't make up his mind between viagra, levitra, or cealis

At 4:49 AM, Anonymous Melissa G. said...

Thinks cunnilingus is only for guys with a more sophisticated palate than himself.

At 12:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

feels guilty when being blown (when it happens once every three years)

At 10:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wears socks and asks his woman to take off her stilletos


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