The Loser Gets Engaged

Let’s face it, as a 37 year old female who stands 5’2” and weighs 167 lbs., your choice of men is going to be somewhat limited.

So when Ralph, just an inch taller, 40 pounds heavier, and a 3rd grade teacher in the New York City school system, asks for your hand in marriage, you reluctantly accept. The only way you can have an orgasm is by pretending Ralph is Johnny Depp.

Meanwhile, your best friend Katherine’s fiancé has just landed a job at Goldman Sachs. “You poor thing,” you tell her, “They work those guys 70 hours a week. My Ralphie is home by six every night and gets the entire summer off.”

True, Katherine’s fiancé is a dead ringer for Matt Damon, someone you’ve had a mad crush on since Good Will Hunting. But you comfort yourself with the thought that good old Ralph is much less likely to step out on you.

Sweetheart, Darling, Bubele, smart girl like you, face the truth: You’d trade Ralphie in an instant for one night in the sack with the Damon-lookalike. Ain’t gonna happen, though – not unless you can somehow shed about 55 pounds of unsightly back fat.


At 11:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is almost unbearably painful for me to admit, but my finace repulses me physically. I plan on divorcing him almost immediately after our wedding. Even if I never meet someone again, at least I can say I was married.

At 10:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have such a sad view of life, Mr. E-man. Physical beauty is only part of what makes someone attractive. Ellen S.

At 9:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How cynical you are. To think that a little back fat, or upper arm flab, and jiggly thighs would be an automatic turn-off to a so-called attractive man. Beauty is, after all, on the inside. I feel sorry for you.

At 6:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

yeah, beauty is on the inside: good bone structure, nice muscle tone, healthy organs supplying oxygen to the skin.

At 10:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

To the comment aboout being cynical and backfat... this is the TRUTH, and define "a little" please. This is funny cuz it hurts, thats what makes it cutting edge... We should laugh about it and not fight it.


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