Friday

How To Tell If You're a Loser:

1) You hang on to victories from the past, like the only time you ever won a high school tennis
match -- against a kid with a prosthetic leg.

2) The first question you ask about someone with money is, Yeah, but is she really happy?

3) You find yourself irresistibly drawn to teams like the Chicago Cubs and New York Jets, spiraling into a deep, dark funk each time your team loses.

4) You love and often repeat sentiments such as Beauty is only skin deep, More than a handful is wasted, The meek shall inherit the earth.

5) Your favorite films are Rocky, Play It Forward, Hoosiers, Mask, during which you tear up helplessly.

6) Your favorite songs are Eye of The Tiger, Wind Beneath My Wings, Rhythm of My Heart, during which you blubber uncontrollably.

Listen, ma’am, sir, friend, Loser, you’re clearly into a major, monster pattern of identification with the downtrodden. Here’s the hard truth: The underdog wins but only in the movies.

Is there any hope? Probably not.

14 Comments:

At 4:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You pass on lame internet jokes to friends believing they will think of you as a man of wit.

 
At 4:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Listen, E-man, anyone who ever gets born is eventually going to be a loser. I know, this is sort of another rationalization.

 
At 4:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You convince yourself that all the attention your husband is paying to the woman in the low-cut dress is a sign that he's finally coming out of his anti-social shell.

 
At 10:55 AM, Anonymous Gloriously Born Again said...

I honestly believe that if you let The Lord love you the way He wants to love all in his flock that you would see that in actuality there is no such thing as a loser, even those who forsake the Lord.

 
At 2:49 PM, Anonymous aversion and revulsion said...

hey gloriously born again your just rationalising. your not a loser cause god loves you?

 
At 3:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

well I guess that I'm a double loser, than. Because "eyes of the tiger" was my favorite song when I was a highschool volleyball champ. There you have it, holding onto victories from the past and liking "eyes of the tiger". Did I mention that now I'm a succesful deli owner. And now my favorite song is Dr. Dre's stuff.

 
At 11:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're irresistably drawn to teams like the Yankees!

 
At 12:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

..or no such thing as the lord

 
At 8:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

E-man,
Play it Forward was a beautiful, moving film. A whole town came together to lift up the memory of a very brave boy. I love this film and I am NOT a loser

 
At 2:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh yeah, Mr. Play it Forward. You're not a loser. Just a sissy.

 
At 10:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I TRIED TO SMOKE HASH BUT THE POTATOES WOULDNT LIGHT!

 
At 3:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your a loser if your typing in google
"How to tell if You're a Loser"

Your a loser if your obsessed with your ex gf...and lookin her up on facebook, after shes refused to accept your friend request.

Your a loser if your envious of anyone
gettin further in life than yourself...i.e you love to see your friends fail..lose their jobs..

 
At 4:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i like big butts.... with pail dimples

 
At 4:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If im such a loser, then why do i have sex with rosey palm and her five friends every night??

 

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