Saturday

About Me

Hi, My name is Elliot. You can call me E-man. I write this blog because I wake up at 3:15 every morning (3:15, coincidentally, is the exact time my grammar school let out) and can’t get back to sleep because I think of all the ways I’m a failure.

1) I got fired from my job as editor in chief of a large publishing company and haven’t been able to get back into the industry, not at a tenth the salary. So now I sell suits at Riverside Mall in Paramus, New Jersey.

2) My wife Paula dumped me for the architect who was designing our dream house. Now they live in it together…and I live in a broken down rental in Cresskill.

3) My job pays so little I have to bum money from my mother, my ex-wife, and my son to pay my rent.

4) My best friend Richard, whom I’ve know since 4th grade, went off to Hollywood and has become an incredibly successful movie producer. He okayed the budget for Vesuvius, one of those disaster movies which went on to gross over 500 million dollars worldwide. It makes me sick with jealousy.

5) Richard’s son is a partner in one of those big fancy investment banking firms, is married to a top-flight entertainment lawyer, and they have 3 “wonderful” kids.

6) My only son is a gay, dental hygienist over in Bergenfield. I love him dearly, but it drives me mad because he’d make such a great heterosexual. He’s handsome, funny, kind and I just know girls’d love him. Now there’s no one to carry on the family name.

Listen, I could go on and on, but the real problem is I’m incapable of rationalizing. I can’t sweep my bad feelings under the rug. Every minute of every day, I live with this awful sense of inadequacy over what a fuck up I am…and jealousy of all those who have done so much better than I.

But what drives me craziest of all is how all the pathetic losers I hang out with pretend to be content with their lives. I will not have it. I refuse to suffer alone. I know that somewhere deep down inside they’re just as miserable and jealous as I am.

So that’s what this blog is all about – my attempt to force all the losers out there to admit how unhappy and dissatisfied they all are. I figure if we band together, get our feelings out, say it aloud, My name is Elliot and I’m a failure….why, it won’t feel so bad.

After all, there’s only room for one Number 1. Only one team can win the Super Bowl. Life shouldn’t be such an awful come down for all us second besters out there.

So let me hear from you. Tell me what a great big pathetic loser you are. What they say about misery really is true. It loves company, baby!!

6 Comments:

At 4:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know what is worse, a website for losers, the fact that no one has commented, or that i am right now at 2:04am while my girlfriend is at her christmas party which i left early to come home and sit in the dark and smoke the last of my pot from a pipe. Maybe the fact that I am a soon to be college drop out who has amassed over $20,000 in loan debt and nothing to show for it. Yes, the loser loves to pretend that he works hard in school and is able to convince everyone that he does. Only his girlfriend knows of the charade he acts out but is too afraid to say anything to him because of her own lack of self-confidence.

 
At 1:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

**shes so sick of never being beautiful enough never being stronger or better shes sick of going home everyday and wishing she was someone else. for once she wants to look in the miror and be happy for what she sees back. shes so sick of everyone telling her "you can do so much better than that" maybe she cant. and people talking behind her back, well she found out shes sick of people bringing her down and telling her shes not good enough, but i guess all she really wants is to be more than second best;;

 
At 1:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

**shes so sick of never being beautiful enough never being stronger or better shes sick of going home everyday and wishing she was someone else. for once she wants to look in the miror and be happy for what she sees back. shes so sick of everyone telling her "you can do so much better than that" maybe she cant. and people talking behind her back, well she found out shes sick of people bringing her down and telling her shes not good enough, but i guess all she really wants is to be more than second best;;

 
At 8:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Kip Schur and his new girlfriend from Boston..." Which one?? Maybe it was me! Now, talk about a loser! Well, after a few years of therapy, a move to a distant state, and watching The Sopranos and The Wire and lots of excellent movies from netflix, I am over it. Yes, really. And I thoroughly enjoyed "Second Best".

 
At 8:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What's up with the girl friend from Boston bit with Kip Schur? Gee, I went to school with him. Was he that much of a stud? I don't think so. He got chosen last for baseball games in grade school, but he had a good heart and was never unkind.

 
At 10:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

im mike and im a loser. my family hates me i was addicted to heroin, i lost all my friends and i always wonder why. i think our life here is pointless and were just a virus on this earth. idk if your being serious or not but i am, i dont see the point of living

 

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